the new term for farting is butt boxing.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
