She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
