she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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