Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
