Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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