He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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