That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
