Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
