you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize
