Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
