I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize