Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
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