is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
