i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Found the puke drawer
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
