Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
