i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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