Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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