Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize