He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
