I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
