So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
