I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
