I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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