I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
