I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
