Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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