I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
