if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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