i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
