I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
