Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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