I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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