I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
And my parents said I crawled through the house
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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