never play flip cup with pint glasses
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
