I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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