He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
