All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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