New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize