yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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