The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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