Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
