you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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