Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
