it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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