How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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