please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
