Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
wakey wakey hands off snakey
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
