Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
