Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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