Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
