i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
