Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
