I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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