don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
