Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
