the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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