so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
